Dreams.

Have you ever wondered why you dream of certain things or if those dreams, whether a nightmare or not, will actually become a reality? I’m really fascinated by how our human minds work and how they actually allow us to dream. Most experts believe that we dream to assist the body with rest, repair and rejuvenation. Others speculate that we dream for psychological reasons: to reexamine the day’s events, to reduce and relieve stress, and to provide an outlet for pent-up emotions.

Sometimes, when dealing with stressful situations, your dreams reflect your inner feelings as those dreams are directed by particular emotions, like stress and worry while sometimes, you dream of things because that is your definition of utopia. There can be many possibilities to why people dream and I believe that everyone’s reason is different because each and every one of our minds are one of a kind. No one can possibly have the exact same thoughts and perspectives as you do, right?

Many people claim that in your dreams, it will always involve you as dreams are egocentric as they typically reflect one of your deep desires or concerns. However, as much as I wish it was true, I don’t always appear or am in the dream itself. Sometimes my dreams totally do not concern me at all and that scares me a lot.

Somehow, from the moment a certain incident took place (don’t wish to share) in my life, my memory has became really really bad and I find it so tough to remember things. My memory can get so bad that sometimes I don’t even remember what happened just a few minutes before. It’s like my brain just started to block out things because maybe it’s overloaded with other stuffs or that it just wanted to block out whatever I didn’t want to remember. Most of the time, these “unwanted” thoughts would not exactly disappear but I would have very faint memories of them. This feeling sucks because it’s like you have to get all stressed up over trying to remember it because it’s not totally out of your head. Sometimes I just wish I could just get rid of the thoughts fully and just forget that certain things ever existed.

My thoughts really do scare me a lot. Maybe it’s because I over-think too much? I’m not sure. Sometimes just sitting there daydreaming and/or staring into space, my thoughts can drift really far away. I start to think about everything in the world like ‘why do humans exist for a brief while and then die?’, ‘is fate really real?’, ‘how do we escape the labyrinth of suffering?’ or ‘how do we subvert the patriarchal paradigm?’. Yeah, it can get pretty crazy.

I experience deja vus a lot. And when I say a lot, I really mean A LOT. I guess it’s probably because of my bad memory or some kind of obstruction in my mind that I get this really strong feeling that I’ve experienced a particular situation before. And no matter how hard I try to dig into all my thoughts and to try to remember if it’s actually true, I just get these really terrible headaches that won’t go away for quite awhile. I just can’t seem to find it anywhere in my thoughts but I know in my heart that it did happen before, somehow, whether in reality or in another world. Sometimes these experiences remind me a lot of my dreams and I have some kind of hunch that I dreamt of it before.

Ever since young, I’ve been haunted by dreams that are more like nightmares. I guess I get more nightmares than dreams that I actually enjoy. These nightmares aren’t just normal ones, they are nightmares that nobody would actually wish to experience. Imagine dreaming about both your parents dying in front of your eyes (touchwood) and you can’t do no shit about it but just stand there to witness the awful sight. Well yes, that disappointment in yourself that you’re good for nothing and useless or a jinx who only causes people to get hurt. Guess what? I’ve been getting that kind of nightmares every single night when I was a child. I still remember myself running to my parents’ room every night, crying. I did tell them why I cried but I guess they never really thought it was much of a big problem and thought that I was being the typical young kid who was trying to buy her way into sleeping with them. But nah, that wasn’t true and they didn’t believe how hurt I was. So I kinda had to deal with those wild thoughts of mine on my own, as a small, timid kid.

I guess my past experiences and dreams contributed partially to my really horrible phobia of the dark. Even now, when I imagine myself, all I see is me sitting in a corner of a dark room alone and the silence is deadly. It’s not that I do not like being alone or I can’t take it because sometimes I do need to be alone to think through life. But the thing about me is that once I get to know someone, I can get really attached to them and start to rely on them a lot and soon after, my whole world will revolve around them. My dreams are also seldom bright, vibrant and cheerful but more of living in darkness or me falling into a dark abyss that I can never get out of. It’s kind of ironic isn’t it? The fact that I’m so afraid of the dark and prefer to find comfort in light but I always picture myself in darkness. This is what scares me.

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