Angels Dying To Go Home.

Just last week, I came to school having to hear about some really devastating news. Apparently a fellow schoolmate from the same grade as I am has passed away on the morning of that day. First and foremost, I won’t dare say we were very close, I won’t say I knew him well, I won’t even say I felt really hurt over the news, because I know his closer friends and his family had, and are still having it way worse. All I’m going to say is that I did get very upset and it definitely made me reevaluate on many things.
This friend lost his life to suicide. Let’s just say he was a super nice, kind and friendly guy whom I would never have thought would resort to such extremities and I must admit, it was shocking. I always kind of knew he had some problems going on as his best friend is my classmate, but I never thought it would be this bad.
If only I didn’t underestimate the severity of his problems, if only I could see beyond that facade of happiness, if only I could tell that he was suffering so deeply inside, I would definitely have done something about it. I’m not sure what I would have done that would actually make a difference though, since I’m not very much better or emotionally stable myself. But I would’ve wanted to have at least been given a chance to help him out, because whether or not we were close, everyone deserves to live and live well.
I guess this is probably the first time I’m losing a friend? We might not have been close or even those hi-bye kind of schoolmates but it’s never good hearing about how we lost an angel especially to suicide. Thinking about how he could have had a great future ahead of him if he had just held on a little more, is just really depressing. It is certainly a huge loss to everyone whether they knew him personally or not.
When it was first announced to the entire student body, the normal chatter in each of the scattered groups had suddenly gone dead silent and it was one of the hardest things to deal with because nobody knew how to react. It all felt unreal because everyone thought it was just one of those days he was sick and got a medical certificate to not come to school. Maybe we were just unable to face it at that point of time as many cried and for the next few days, the atmosphere was very different and everyone was completely inanimate. It was hard to watch his closest friends getting so affected but I guess it was a phase we all had to get through – to cry our hearts out and then find a proper closure to it before finally moving on.
There was something that struck me really hard though and I feel guilty about thinking that way. It was that the moment it was announced, the first thing I thought about wasn’t him, but something related to me. I thought about what it would be like if it was my name they were announcing instead of his and how would everyone react to it. I cannot get that thought out of my mind even until now. I’m just really curious how my absence would affect the people around me because I hate to admit this but, the thought of doing the same thing he did, did appear in my mind countless of times. It just seemed to me like the one and only solution and also the easiest, fastest solution to my problems was that, because I was really at my wits end. However, I was probably too much of a coward to do it and maybe that just wasn’t my limit yet and I wasn’t as desperate. Call it running away from my problems or whatever you deem it but I shit you not, I was really so close to doing it.
Going back to the topic, the things that really bothered me and made me think a lot about was what exactly were his thoughts the few minutes before he decided to do it? Did he consider how his close ones would feel? What was so serious that led him to do such a thing? Was he not afraid at all? In his last few moments, what was he thinking about? What were his last words? Did he regret his decision? These questions will probably remain unanswered forever but it’s okay, as some things are best left unknown and ignorance might be bliss. Although one thing’s for sure, that was really brave of him.
On the other hand, after I thought long and hard about it, I did finally come to a closure with it because if he was that desperate to go that he would commit suicide and he could put aside the thought of not being able to see his loved ones ever again, and having to leave them brokenhearted, then his problems must have been affecting him severely. And if that’s really the case, then in a way, I am happy for him. He had many options to choose from in terms of dealing with his problems and he chose this. It was his choice to make and I will respect him for it. If that, to him, is the only way out, and if he is going to be happier that way, then why not?
God, we’ve just lost an angel to you way too soon but I really hope he’s doing so much better there as he’s finally, home at last. This post is for you. Rest in peace Bryan. You’ll be missed dearly.


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