There was nothing I could do. I laid there as the tears flowed and everywhere was hurting. It was terribly difficult, the lowest and hardest I’ve fallen so far. It was then that I realised that no matter how many “highest points” I was having, each one getting better and better, I would always hit rock bottom, each time lower and deeper.
I felt as if God was against me. Yeah it’s foolish to say but believe me, as I was laying there hurting the whole time and crying, all I could do was beg. I was pleading and mumbling “god help me” and nothing changed. My hands were trembling and my heart was racing. My body was stone cold and I was shivering despite being all wrapped up under the sheets. I was breathless and lightheaded. I felt so destructive and I wanted so badly to end it, thinking that was the only way out.
It was like that for 4 hours. I broke at the 3rd, when I finally tried to find a form of refuge, something that would ease the pain. But right after, was when for the very first time, my heart burned more than the open wounds did. It was like a slap in the face, a shout into the void, telling me I should just lay there and deal with it. It was the most I’ve bled so far. I might’ve disappointed many but I hope they understand and recognise the fact that I held on as long as I could. Those 3 hours weren’t easy.
I’ve been clean for months now, was experiencing many “highs” and it was obvious to all, as I didn’t get by each day just waiting for the next day to come. I actually had so much hope and was really thankful for everything. Little did I know, it was all a trap. It’s amazing how far down someone can fall after climbing so high up. I have no doubt there’ll be more of these to come. Nevertheless, the past few months were the longest I’ve lasted and I’ll take it.
The one comforting thing is the calm after a storm, when there’s finally peace and quiet, and you’re finally you again.